Oh hello there, mid-life crisis!

Is it necessarily a bad thing?

I don’t have a clue how this is going to turn out or what direction this post will take. I am completely ok with that. That sentiment really seems to be the theme of life these days. Like so many of my “middle aged” (what an awful term) friends, I have reached a point in life that most would call a midlife crisis. I prefer to think of it as a delayed realization of previously untapped potential. Admittedly, that is a mouthful. Sure, I have gotten several large tattoos and contemplated adding a facial piercing since I turned 40 a year and a half ago. Those things have always interested me and what I have wanted for most of my adulthood, but I either couldn’t justify the expense (pro tip: this is just adult for “I couldn’t afford it”) or I had bought into the narrative that it could prevent me from moving up in “the real world.” The truth is that no one cares. Tattoos, piercings and wild colored hair are almost the norm now. If you live in an urban area or large enough suburb in the US, I challenge you to go to a busy public space and not be able to find a septuagenarian sporting some purple hair and a nose ring. That future would’ve seemed incomprehensible to me in the fall of 2001 as a freshman at ECU, looking like an extra from a Blink-182 music video (if you’re under 30ish years old and reading this, I apologize that you missed this time in pop culture.) I had bright blue hair, multiple facial piercings, and a studded belt from Hot Topic, for crying out loud. I guess we can chalk that up as progress and acceptance of personal expression, but I am happy to say that I feel totally comfortable leaning into that side of myself now. I sound like I was so suppressed! Oh, the humanity!

I found myself diving headfirst into other interests, as well. I challenged myself athletically after years of partying too hard and a leading a largely sedentary life outside of work. My wife had convinced me to join a gym with her while she pregnant with our first daughter. I reluctantly agreed. To say that first session was humbling would be an understatement. I had always been the tall, skinny kid and it was no different into adulthood. I soon became obsessed with pushing my limits and seeing how strong I could get, naturally of course. It wasn’t long before I took the leap into competing in powerlifting and far exceeded what I had previously dreamt was possible. When lifting became more like a job, it was time to move on. That’s when running came back into my life. I have a feeling that running will be the subject of thousands of future words in this space, so I will save those stories for later but running has changed my life in so many ways. It has made me a better husband, father, and man. Logging gritty miles in the middle of July in North Carolina makes the rest of life seem easier. For that, I am thankful.

The most profound change that I have noticed in myself is a newly discovered sense of ambition, vision and purpose in my professional life. I graduated from high school and didn’t have a clue as to why I was going to college. Unsurprisingly, this meant I very seldomly actually went to college. This went on for three semesters until I was unceremoniously kicked out. Life took me to northern Virginia and fate would land me in the restaurant business, which I thought would be cool to kill time for a few months. Turns out that I fell in love-hate with the industry I have been a part of for more than 20 years. I have managed every type of food service, from public school cafeterias to NFL stadiums and nearly everything in between. Although I loved the industry, I always had a hard time “drinking the company Kool-Aid.” I found it hard to be passionate about serving bar food or ballpark fare. There were rewarding days or guests that became like family, but it was always just a job. Honestly, it was an industry that I had some natural talent for, but the “natural talent” was often overshadowed by a pretty serious case of imposter syndrome. This only helped fuel my “just a job” mentality. My only real ambition was to make more money and that usually meant job hopping every couple of years for a little bump in pay. Another goal was to make sure that I was there to watch my daughters grow up. Everyone knows that the restaurant industry is notorious for being detrimental to family life. Fortunately, I was able to achieve these goals through a series of moves that netted both more money and a better work-life balance. But still, I was largely going through the motions.

I can’t put my finger on what event(s) or moments triggered a complete mindset shift, but it was abrupt. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted. I could see a clear path to getting there and I had confidence in my abilities. I realized that I couldn’t have just stumbled my way into good situation after good situation in my career. I had something to do with that! The realization that I had put those teams, policies, and/or procedures in place that led to a great deal of financial results for my employer hit me hard. I can do so much more! How’s that for an epiphany?! I knew I wanted to work on top level projects that would benefit my company as a whole. I knew that I wanted as much responsibility as I could get. I knew I could be successful. Lastly, I had gained an entrepreneurial spirit. I found myself dreaming up new business ideas and restaurant concepts. Some of these things have come to fruition, some are in the works, and others remain as future possibilities, but it is amazing the difference two years has made.

I guess I shouldn’t be terribly surprised by any of this. My dad followed a fairly similar path. He was basically a hippie, playing in various bands over the years with varying degrees of achieved success, until late 20’s or early 30’s. Naturally, his passion for music led him to a career in the concert business. By the time I was born, he was 38 years old and the general manager of a small arena in Fayetteville, NC and just getting started. In the early 90’s he got a shot as the general manager for a 20,000-seat outdoor amphitheater. The sky was the limit from there. He finished his career as a C-Suite executive for one of the largest music production companies in the world.

I remember his story and career path seeming so conflicting to the path my generation (shout out to my fellow “Xennials”) was fed as the “right way” to go about life. Go to high school, graduate, decide what you want to do for the rest of your life, go to college, have career, get married, have babies, raise babies, die. Talk about pressure. That’s a lot for an 18-year-old kid to digest. It seems so permanent. Then you get older. You realize that your fellow adults are doing nothing more than faking it until they make it. Sure, some of us have it all figured out, but most are figuring it out as we go. And that’s ok. We don’t all have to have it figured out at 18, 28, or even 38. There’s something liberating and powerful about that realization.

Being equipped with this information and mindset has me looking towards the future with an incredible amount of optimism. It’s easy to say that I envy people that encounter this time of self-discovery earlier in life, but I am so thankful for my journey. I hope that my daughters learn something from my journey that I did not learn from my father’s. There’s no set of rules for successfully navigating through your life. And that’s ok.